My feelings consuming me....

hey everyone i am back once again but this time not about the seond part of my story back to malaysia as that will be comin up in about few days time.... but this post starts off as i just had a very interesting day and definately a very interesting evening.... Things have been like up and down for me this few days and since returining to jakarta things have been better with me being able to fill my mind with work but its these feelings that i have that are consuming me.. Even as malaysia was a very memorable experience but i experienced one of the most heart breaking experience.. It was the worst start to the year and i never saw it coming... i was so sure that it would never happen... but as it is it happened, i was devastated... from that point onwards till this very moment, my feelings and emotions have been crazy.. i had to pretend that everything was fine and i was going to be ok... i filled my time reading the bible and also reaching out to god for guidence and hoping that HE can help me thru this time... it has been such a hard process and as i was sitting down just before typing this i felt like my world had crush down on me and everything that i had, all those memories and everything that was so close to my heart and dear to me was snatched and taken away from me..

I want to stop thinking about it but i cant... i dream of it every night.. every single night for the past 2 weeks since i dream of it and i wake up each morning hoping that it would stop... i keep telling myself that its going to be ok but when would this stop? what must i do? i am scared to close my eyes because everytime when i do, memories would just flash in front of me and crazy toughts would just flash past me.. i just read something that convinced me that all hope was lost and that i had lost this battle and nothing in this world that i can do to undo what is happening... it hurts so much.. i dun want to give up.. i dun want too!! i dun want to let everything that we build together just break down like that but i cant go on like this...its just so hard... so so so hard.. as i am typing this i am listening to the song healer and i believe that my god is more than enough for me... so much have been said about this song and about the author, Ps mike.... but i believe every verse and every lyrics are true and it shows what i magnificent god i have.. but i am just so tired.. its so hard... its so so so hard... i have no one to talk to that would understand and i dun want my mum to worry about me more so the only way for me is to express all my feelings here...

I would give anything to turn time back... i would give up every material thing i have just to go back to high school and the time i had in malaysia... i wish every second that this is just a dream and i would wake up and have everything back to normal... i dun want a rich life, i dun want to go to the best school, i dun want to have so much money in my bank account but i just want to go back and spend the time i had with the person that i loved so much and the person that i would give everthing i have just to see her happy and see that smile on her face.. those time where we would study together, go for tuition, eat at our favourite place and me having the wonderful and greatest honor of being able to cook for her... but i know that none of that wil ever be possible again.... i just have to move on and i hope that this feelings tht i have would go away someday and i will put my trust and faith in my GOD for he is my all and i can do all things thru him who strengthens me...

To those that may be going thru the same thing that i am going thru and you are reading this, i pray and hope that you will not give up as i will not give up!! I will not give up in my GOD JESUS CHRIST as i know he wil bring me thru this.. Its going to be very hard i can assure you but i guess this is something that everyone has to go through.... i have to go now and i wil be back next time with more stories about what is going on in my life that is currently going thru a tsunami...

JOsh!!